This is where our diligence has lead The waves roll in to claim our patient steps Can we become more than just ourselves? And leave the sand, our want, our will, our doubt


Almost two long months since I posted Last. I'm more lost than ever. I shouldn't have stopped writing.

Do you feel, do you feel that you feel too much?

So lately I've been suffering from... insomnia... well lets not actually call it insomnia. Lets call it refusing to go to sleep when I'm ridiculously tired for stupid reasons. Tonight's stupid reason was, if I get everything I need to do in the morning done tonight I can sleep in. Cue getting lost in the world wide web again for two hours and I'm back to where I started... tired and still having a list of things to do tomorrow. (hey my candy crush scores just keep getting better and better). Why is it that we don't want to sleep. And by We, I generally mean me. This is not the first time in my life my body has decided sleep is for the weak. I'm not sure if this current aversion is to do with the fact that sometimes sleep time is my only me time. Anyway, writing this blog post isn't really helping me fight it. Back to candy crush, oops I mean my to do list I go.

The Sun is Shining

One of the more heartbreaking things I've had to deal with, is A pointing outside saying look mummy, its a nice day, the sun is shining. Why is this heartbreaking you may wonder... well she was was saying it because I am having a dark day, and I don't want to do anything but lie in bed.

As a parent, the balance between happy parent and depressed soul is so difficult. She is usually pretty good, and happy to just lie with me and watch her Ipad and sleep on and off while I do.. but today the sunshine must've gotten to her. So now I feel so incredibly guilty and am even more aware of the fact that I've wasted an entire day.
Again.

oh well, as I always say the rest of this weeks going to be different..

tomorrow's going to be different.

I don't think this helps.

Blood to Bleed

This place rings with echoes of
Lives once lived but now are lost
Time spent wondering about tomorrow
I don’t care if we lose it all tonight
Up in flames, burning bright
Warming the air of the world



How does one take their happiness with them? I've often wondered this. At work I am this bright, positive, radiant spirit. Always looking on the sunny side of things and trying to make everybody happy. At home.. I don't feel happy and don't know how to make anyone happy, including myself. The exception is A, you can win that kid over with vegemite toast, orange juice and cupcakes.

It's a concept that's always baffled me. That your happiness is portable. For most people it is usually the opposite way around, you're unhappy at work and happy at home. Why Is it once I walk through that front door I'm instantly drained.

...

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

To absent friends...

So I've been trying to figure out when I lost my identity. Was it when I started my new relationship? Or had I lost it already then. Or was it when I began my journey into motherhood.
To be honest... I feel like my whole identity changed with motherhood, but not in the way most would expect. It definitely started before then, sort of when I moved to the coast.

I began to get competitive... but sort of retrospectively. You see it wasn't that I wanted the best of everything. It was that I felt like I couldn't enjoy the things I used to. Suddenly I was afraid to buy things with leopard print, because someone else in our "group" loved it, I couldn't be into funky styles of clothing and bright colours, because well, that was also someone else's thing. I no longer collected cool stationary, because someone else did. Suddenly I found myself with no interest in... anything. Things that I saw and liked, I usually bought for someone else, despite absolutely loving it myself.

I'm slowly reclaiming that part of me, but that brings me to my next fear.. that people will think I am copying them. Gosh, the mind is a complicated thing isn't it?

As I began my mother hood journey, I found myself drifting away from everything I'd considered normal before. Friends, lifestyle, habits. Things I used to find funny, or be able to joke about felt more serious than ever, and entirely hurtful. I cant escape this feeling now. I don't know what to do about it. And it causes huge problems in my relationship. I just want to be the person I used to be, but take all the good qualities I've gained since being a mother. I want a clean slate and a fresh start. Anyone seen these on sale lately?

Another huge mistake I made, was expecting my circle of friends to be the ones I could count on when I needed support. Sure, my real friends are always there for me and just a phone call away. But in the baby world, you need people who are going through the same things as you are. These people are NOT YOUR CURRENT FRIENDS! Trust me. If I get to do it again, or if I could go back in time, I'd worry less about organising playdates with my friends with babes, and more about connecting with the various people in playgroups and mothers groups around me. Its a different type of support than your friends can give, and as I see it, whilst there's still judgement, there's a wider range of judgement, giving you the opportunity to choose the information you want. I feel like I failed myself in this respect, and the best bet would be to try and make up for it now... somehow.

And she's aged like a fine wine

So, it's no secret (or maybe it is) that I've battled various levels of depression for years now.
From just feeling a little bit sad, to bursting into tears all the time, to just not wanting to be me. I've been on so many rollercoasters I cant count them anymore. Emotional, Situational, Mental. Over the years I've taught myself different ways to cope, but sometimes when you're at the lowest of lows, its really hard to remember what those ways are, and to believe that they will work.
It's easy to forget that depression affects everyone. It affects those that look to be leading the perfect life, it affects those that are able to show they're hurting, it affects those that are not able to show they are hurting. Those that have lost someone. Those that have never had anyone. Those that have the wrong someone. Those that have the right someone. Everyone.

The past 6 months have been all over the place for me emotionally and mentally. I had forgotten until recently, that Music is the first thing to try to pull me out of this mess I am in. It has only been a few weeks of regularly taking time out for myself to listen to music, and a few months of once again playing music to realise I do have a place for those emotions to go.

I have often heard people mock emotional attachments to music, and of peoples fondness for music that speaks to them. It's not something that will work for everyone. It works for me.
Sometimes hearing a song with lyrics that describe something I've been through, helps you feel not alone. Sometimes a song with powerful lyrics can be just enough motivation to get you through the day.
I listen to music of all genres. I really don't think I could answer the question "what sort of music do you listen to?" anymore with a straight "genre" answer. I just listen to music I like. And it really helps. I hope I don't forget that again anytime soon.

In our house, we blast off at 6!

In our house, we blast off at 6! And by 6, I definitely don't mean 6am, I mean when A's rocket is ready for Blastoff, its not 5, its not a countdown to 1, its 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Blastoff! I've thought about correcting her so many times, but really, whats the point? Whats the point of correcting something that's not actually wrong at all, especially not in her reality.

I've started my new blog with this subject, because it's something I've realised lately, that there's no point correcting something that's not a harmful "wrong".

It was a tough decision not to just resurrect my old blog, and continue to post under my old moniker, youaresomeonemaybe
However, the circumstances of my life have changed so dramatically since I last had an online presence I think this is the better home for my new thoughts. I have never blogged for anyone else, and this remains true with this blog, it is and always will be for me. If you're reading this, I'm happy to share with you, and if in some way my thoughts reach out to you, I'm so glad. If it's not your way of thinking, there's no point reading, move along please! Don't try and correct thoughts you see as wrong in your reality, which are totally right in mine.