To absent friends...

So I've been trying to figure out when I lost my identity. Was it when I started my new relationship? Or had I lost it already then. Or was it when I began my journey into motherhood.
To be honest... I feel like my whole identity changed with motherhood, but not in the way most would expect. It definitely started before then, sort of when I moved to the coast.

I began to get competitive... but sort of retrospectively. You see it wasn't that I wanted the best of everything. It was that I felt like I couldn't enjoy the things I used to. Suddenly I was afraid to buy things with leopard print, because someone else in our "group" loved it, I couldn't be into funky styles of clothing and bright colours, because well, that was also someone else's thing. I no longer collected cool stationary, because someone else did. Suddenly I found myself with no interest in... anything. Things that I saw and liked, I usually bought for someone else, despite absolutely loving it myself.

I'm slowly reclaiming that part of me, but that brings me to my next fear.. that people will think I am copying them. Gosh, the mind is a complicated thing isn't it?

As I began my mother hood journey, I found myself drifting away from everything I'd considered normal before. Friends, lifestyle, habits. Things I used to find funny, or be able to joke about felt more serious than ever, and entirely hurtful. I cant escape this feeling now. I don't know what to do about it. And it causes huge problems in my relationship. I just want to be the person I used to be, but take all the good qualities I've gained since being a mother. I want a clean slate and a fresh start. Anyone seen these on sale lately?

Another huge mistake I made, was expecting my circle of friends to be the ones I could count on when I needed support. Sure, my real friends are always there for me and just a phone call away. But in the baby world, you need people who are going through the same things as you are. These people are NOT YOUR CURRENT FRIENDS! Trust me. If I get to do it again, or if I could go back in time, I'd worry less about organising playdates with my friends with babes, and more about connecting with the various people in playgroups and mothers groups around me. Its a different type of support than your friends can give, and as I see it, whilst there's still judgement, there's a wider range of judgement, giving you the opportunity to choose the information you want. I feel like I failed myself in this respect, and the best bet would be to try and make up for it now... somehow.