Because I love you

A peaceful morning made me think of this blog.
 Oh how far my life has come from these sombre tales. 
 It's been a curvy path to get here, but I have found happiness.
 In the strangest of places.
 That's how it usually happens. 
Or so they say.
 I do look back on these posts and remember those times fondly. 
Amongst the heartbreak and longing were a lot of happy memories.

 The most important thing i've discovered in recent years. 

Is to be me. 

Who knew being yourself could feel so good?

This is where our diligence has lead The waves roll in to claim our patient steps Can we become more than just ourselves? And leave the sand, our want, our will, our doubt


Almost two long months since I posted Last. I'm more lost than ever. I shouldn't have stopped writing.

Do you feel, do you feel that you feel too much?

So lately I've been suffering from... insomnia... well lets not actually call it insomnia. Lets call it refusing to go to sleep when I'm ridiculously tired for stupid reasons. Tonight's stupid reason was, if I get everything I need to do in the morning done tonight I can sleep in. Cue getting lost in the world wide web again for two hours and I'm back to where I started... tired and still having a list of things to do tomorrow. (hey my candy crush scores just keep getting better and better). Why is it that we don't want to sleep. And by We, I generally mean me. This is not the first time in my life my body has decided sleep is for the weak. I'm not sure if this current aversion is to do with the fact that sometimes sleep time is my only me time. Anyway, writing this blog post isn't really helping me fight it. Back to candy crush, oops I mean my to do list I go.

The Sun is Shining

One of the more heartbreaking things I've had to deal with, is A pointing outside saying look mummy, its a nice day, the sun is shining. Why is this heartbreaking you may wonder... well she was was saying it because I am having a dark day, and I don't want to do anything but lie in bed.

As a parent, the balance between happy parent and depressed soul is so difficult. She is usually pretty good, and happy to just lie with me and watch her Ipad and sleep on and off while I do.. but today the sunshine must've gotten to her. So now I feel so incredibly guilty and am even more aware of the fact that I've wasted an entire day.
Again.

oh well, as I always say the rest of this weeks going to be different..

tomorrow's going to be different.

I don't think this helps.

Blood to Bleed

This place rings with echoes of
Lives once lived but now are lost
Time spent wondering about tomorrow
I don’t care if we lose it all tonight
Up in flames, burning bright
Warming the air of the world



How does one take their happiness with them? I've often wondered this. At work I am this bright, positive, radiant spirit. Always looking on the sunny side of things and trying to make everybody happy. At home.. I don't feel happy and don't know how to make anyone happy, including myself. The exception is A, you can win that kid over with vegemite toast, orange juice and cupcakes.

It's a concept that's always baffled me. That your happiness is portable. For most people it is usually the opposite way around, you're unhappy at work and happy at home. Why Is it once I walk through that front door I'm instantly drained.

...

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

To absent friends...

So I've been trying to figure out when I lost my identity. Was it when I started my new relationship? Or had I lost it already then. Or was it when I began my journey into motherhood.
To be honest... I feel like my whole identity changed with motherhood, but not in the way most would expect. It definitely started before then, sort of when I moved to the coast.

I began to get competitive... but sort of retrospectively. You see it wasn't that I wanted the best of everything. It was that I felt like I couldn't enjoy the things I used to. Suddenly I was afraid to buy things with leopard print, because someone else in our "group" loved it, I couldn't be into funky styles of clothing and bright colours, because well, that was also someone else's thing. I no longer collected cool stationary, because someone else did. Suddenly I found myself with no interest in... anything. Things that I saw and liked, I usually bought for someone else, despite absolutely loving it myself.

I'm slowly reclaiming that part of me, but that brings me to my next fear.. that people will think I am copying them. Gosh, the mind is a complicated thing isn't it?

As I began my mother hood journey, I found myself drifting away from everything I'd considered normal before. Friends, lifestyle, habits. Things I used to find funny, or be able to joke about felt more serious than ever, and entirely hurtful. I cant escape this feeling now. I don't know what to do about it. And it causes huge problems in my relationship. I just want to be the person I used to be, but take all the good qualities I've gained since being a mother. I want a clean slate and a fresh start. Anyone seen these on sale lately?

Another huge mistake I made, was expecting my circle of friends to be the ones I could count on when I needed support. Sure, my real friends are always there for me and just a phone call away. But in the baby world, you need people who are going through the same things as you are. These people are NOT YOUR CURRENT FRIENDS! Trust me. If I get to do it again, or if I could go back in time, I'd worry less about organising playdates with my friends with babes, and more about connecting with the various people in playgroups and mothers groups around me. Its a different type of support than your friends can give, and as I see it, whilst there's still judgement, there's a wider range of judgement, giving you the opportunity to choose the information you want. I feel like I failed myself in this respect, and the best bet would be to try and make up for it now... somehow.